Jokes

TO THE JOKES... HERE'S A GOOD ONE

=== Murphy's Love Life ===

Patrick said to Murphy, "will you please close your curtains when you make love to your wife at night, last night half the street was watching."
"Aw right well the laugh is well and truly on them," said Murphy. "I wasn't even home last night."

=== Best Comeback Line Ever ===

This was in a big national newspaper... the title of the article was
"Best Comeback Line Ever.
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old
white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at
11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication
at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect
explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't,"
he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he
pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that
he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett
County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer
Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away
at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you
realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and
then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin?
Damn...is it midnight already?"

=== Smart Blonde ===

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

=== Round The Bend ===

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' then he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

=== Baby On Board ===

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

=== The Brewery ===

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda,... Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda,... He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout
and drowned,"

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
go quickly?"

"Well, ... no Brenda ... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery,
and theblood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss..
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge

=== The Worlds Best Bar ===

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Loraine.

He was cheating on her with a girl named Clearly.

Then Loraine died.

At the funeral the man stood up and sang, ''I
can see Clearly now Loraine is gone....

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would
get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan,
you be Jesus!"

The old man approached a young stranger in the post
office and asked, "Sir, would you address this
postcard for me?"

The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a
short note for the old fellow.

Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything
else I can do for you?"

The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the
end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting

MATERIALISTIC WOMEN
A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to show it
off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely
tore off the door on the driver's side.

The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving,the officer
shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic
you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow
down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis bracelet?"

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive
blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single
roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while
yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!"

Then she hollers..."YES! YES!

I WON! I WON!" Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the
dealers.

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them
asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Frank's Daily Galleries Click Here


	TO THE JOKES... HERE'S A GOOD ONE === Murphy's Love Life === Patrick said to Murphy, "will you please close your curtains when you make love to your wife at night, last night half the street was watching." "Aw right well the laugh is well and truly on them," said Murphy. "I wasn't even home last night." === Best Comeback Line Ever === This was in a big national newspaper... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever. In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?" === Smart Blonde === A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!' Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!' The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!' 'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back. 'Your turn,' says the man. 'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.' === Round The Bend === A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!' Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' then he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig. === Baby On Board === A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey." === The Brewery === Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda,... Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda,... He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned," "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, ... no Brenda ... no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee." All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge === The Worlds Best Bar === The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!" Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Loraine. He was cheating on her with a girl named Clearly. Then Loraine died. At the funeral the man stood up and sang, ''I can see Clearly now Loraine is gone.... A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting MATERIALISTIC WOMEN A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving,the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis bracelet?" Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!" Frank's Daily Galleries Click Here
All persons depicted herein were at least 18 years of age at the time of the photography In compliance with U.S.C. 2257